My Mental Health Journey Part I

The Perfect Storm

Hello and welcome to Loved Like Lazarus! A substack about mental illness and spiritual health. See what I did there… So, here it goes.

I was an extremely shy and anxious kid. I had trouble in social situations and was constantly deciphering peoples’ thoughts about me instead of just living life. I remember always thinking (and sometimes still do); How come people are just at ease and confident? What is this sorcery? I felt like there was always a barrier between me and everyone else. But I got along well enough by willpower/faking it in order to fit in and do well by my friends/parents/coaches/teachers. I pretty much just kept it all in. I didn’t know there was such a thing as having an anxiety disorder. I just thought other people were experiencing the same amount I was but were just better at dealing with it.

I had a ton of performance anxiety too. Every time there was a big assignment introduced there was a sinking feeling in my stomach with the negative self talk that I wouldn’t be able to do it. I played sports but anxiety got in the way of me enjoying and doing well in them. Being in that batters box was harder with the fear of striking out being greater than the confidence of getting a hit. Being a center when I played football was harder with the worry of, if I missed a shotgun snap, I would ruin the whole play, we would not get a first down and I would lose the game for the team. My mind and thought process was wired for anxiety, worry, and fear. But I wanted to be a strong man. I didn’t give up. I pushed myself and the feelings didn’t stop me, they were just a handicap.

I had a pretty good stretch from 17-19 years old where I gained confidence and came out of my shell. It was 2009 when most of the money(for college) my grandpa left for me in a trust went “poof.” It was the housing market crash (it was tied up in stocks). So, I decided to join ROTC and be an Army Officer. My dad was in the Air Force so it seemed like a good way to pay for school. Not to mention my girlfriend was also in ROTC. It felt like a good move. Then in fall semester of my sophomore year I had a nervous breakdown.

I always did well in school due to my constant fear of doing poorly haha. This led me to not really enjoy school. Fear can only motivate you so far before it steamrolls over you. So feeling overwhelmed with school, the duties of ROTC, girlfriend problems, a few other things I would rather not say, panic attacks and not sleeping for 2 weeks, I fell into a deep depression culminating with me withdrawing from school. It was awful. If you have never had clinical depression with suicidal ideations you can never understand the hell on Earth that it is. With depression, you lose all hope of life getting any better and the sense of emptiness is painful. Sounds like a pretty good description of what hell would be like to me; the lack of God’s presence with the despair of never attaining it. Praise God I got a little better with medication, some counseling and frustratingly, time. 

I limped back to school spring semester and was able to keep it together enough to finish. That summer I had a job working in a soil lab where I worked alone most of the time. I liked the job and worked with some great people. But, looking back it was not very smart to work alone performing repetitive tests if you’re a person who struggles with depression. That summer my maternal grandmother died of suicide. I took it hard. I felt like I was doomed to die (her father died from suicide too. My paternal grandparents also had struggles with depression). With such family ties to a hereditary disease I was tempted to believe that lie for a while. Without any healing, I went back to school a few weeks after it happened. I made it three weeks before withdrawing again. I couldn’t take the panic attacks and the hopelessness that things were not going to turn out well. Ever. Withdrawal #2 (they should call me Shellder.)

I was crushed. I felt like I was missing out on life. I was on and off medicine this whole time but it didn’t help me too much. Plus it had side effects that I really didn’t like(brain fog, numbness in my face and just feeling dumber). I decided I couldn’t go back to school at Carroll College. The idea was too shameful for me to show my face at a college again that I had previously left twice. I stayed in state and enrolled in Fort Lewis College in Durango, Colorado. It was a lot cheaper than a private school(remember I lost the money I had to go to school) and I had some friends from high school that I knew there. 

I went from being at a wholesome Catholic college to being at a stereotypical state college. I partied a lot and fell into other serious sinful behavior. Most of this was just to escape anxiety and depression. I was tired of feeling sad most of the time so I felt justified to fill that hole with worldly pleasures(and a lot of videogames). I had a few minor depressive episodes but was able to pull myself out of them. But, it also helped tremendously to have good friends. I lived with a great group of guys and it was really helpful when they instigated fun times and I had an easy opportunity to get out of my head. So, be an instigator to someone who is more withdrawn and isolated. It really does help them. Shout out to The Thunderdome(our college house).

I was involved the catholic Newman Club and never lost the faith. I also helped a lot in youth ministry. I sound like everything was awful but I had good times too. I had friends and made a lot of great memories having the San Juan National Forest as my playground for skiing, rock climbing and hiking.

During the summers I worked at a wilderness backpacking summer camp. This was really good for me and refreshed me between school years. I figured out that getting out of my own head and helping others takes the edge off anxious and depressive moods. I was at my happiest there and the depression and anxiety was kept at bay. I really enjoyed being a role model for campers and the sense of camaraderie in a common goal.

I was studying to be a Math teacher so student teaching was my final semester. But the pattern of feeling overwhelmed with the increased demands of teaching got the better of me again. I carry my anxiety in my throat. It was always there. Just a lump that couldn’t be swallowed. I couldn’t take the pressure of being “on” and prepared every day. As much as I loved math and working with kids, teaching was just not the right fit. I student taught at the high school I went to growing up, so it was super embarrassing when I had to quit. That just added wood to the fire…. no that doesn’t sound right… maybe dirt to the puddle? Anyway, it was withdrawal #3. 

Flash forward. When I had counseling after all this was over(post “out of the tomb”). I had a wonderful prayer experience explaining this time. I was in a desert. There were a series of puddles and I saw an oasis waaayyy in the distance. I was too weak to walk. I had to crawl from puddle to puddle, only having enough hydration to barely make it from one to another, not knowing if the oasis was there or just a mirage. But the Lord provided grace and I kept striving. I was unbound and set free from my mental anguish eventually.

All three times I withdrew from school I went back to live with my parents. I couldn’t have survived without their understanding, support and love. They also introduced me to inner healing ministry that would save my life.

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The disciples tried to get Jesus to come to Lazarus’s aid before he died. I would have loved for the Lord to come to my aid immediately too; I prayed hard for it. But Jesus knew what He was doing with Lazarus. He was going to bring an amazing miracle out of a tragedy. He did it for me, he can do it for you. Hope and trust in the Lord.

Don’t worry. There will be 3 more parts. Who doesn’t love a good train wreak? The next post has a demon manifestation! Don’t miss it, subscribe.

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Let’s have a “no shy kid left behind,” policy. Please go out of your way to be with them and encourage them. If I would have had more mentors I think I would have done a lot better. It is one of the reasons I loved being a camp counselor and youth minister.

1. Did you have a mentor? What did they do for you?

2. What’s your favorite Pokémon?

3. Summer camp right? Let’s hear some stories!